Repairing your marriage when your partner is incarcerated is an extremely daunting task. It is most definitely not for the faint of heart. We have been struggling for well over 6 months trying to figure out what our next step is and how do we get to that next step. It has been a hard road but I think we are finally getting to the place where we can move forward. I love my husband. We have a phenomenal love. We are a phenomenally amazing couple. It has taken us being separated from each other physically in order for us (especially me) to truly embrace what an amazing blessing my husband is to me and to the world. I am a lucky woman and I do not say that lightly. Loving the “good” me is not hard…I am sure over the years there have been a few men who have loved the “good” me…that does not take much effort. But loving the real me…that is a totally different story. The real me is selfish and bratty and prideful and defensive. I am harsh with my words because I build walls to keep people out. My husband knows these things and loves me not in spite of them but because of them. He knows how fragile my ego is and he knows my insecurities and instead of feeding those insecurities and taking advantage of them, he offers me a place to be myself and all he asks in return is that I love him just as fiercely as he has loved me most of our lives. I can own up to my part in the demise of our marriage. I did not set him apart from everyone else although he has never treated me like everyone else I treated him just like he was a regular guy not the sweet wonderful man I married. The man that loves me no matter how hard I push him away. He has treasured my heart and my soul for years and I was so prideful and set in my ways that I could not see the wonderful treasure that he truly is. I could not let go and love him with all of my heart and soul and truly be the woman God intended me to be for my husband. We are working towards reconciliation. It is not an easy or overnight process but at the end of the day we both want to be married to one another and we both want a truly amazing marriage that defies all the odds that have been stacked against us since day one. I love my husband more than anything in this world and I will intentionally love him for the rest of my life. I will think before I speak. I will listen to understand not just to reply. I will let my defenses down and know that he is not critical of me that every thing he says and does comes from a place of love and not judgement, I will do the same for him because our marriage is the most important relationship we have in this world.
“Time heals all wounds” how many times have we heard this and how many times have we thought not this time? I am in that place right now. Most people discount my marriage…it’s not real to them. We’ve never lived in the same house, went to sleep or woke up in the same bed, shared a meal together, watched a movie, cuddled on the couch, the list goes on and on but none of those things matter when you are dealing with your heart. I love my husband and I know he loves me and maybe because we don’t have those connections it is easy for people to discount our love and commitment to each other. I think it’s easy for us to discount our commitment. The last few months have been particularly rough for both of us. My husband turned 40 in prison. He has had 21 birthdays in prison….that alone has to weigh heavily on his mind. So dealing with our marriage has been extremely difficult. We are in the process of getting a divorce. We have not spoken to each other in 2 weeks and have not seen each other in 2 months. This is all his choice. He does not want to talk to me or see me. In his words I am very good at marriage but horrible at being a wife. I don’t even know what to make of that statement. Sometimes I feel like this last year was all a dream that it really did not happen or that I am in some alternate universe and that this really is reality. I am trying hard to stay strong and stay positive. I know all things happen for a reason and maybe the fact that I held on to this idea that he was my soul mate for 20 years and I needed to realize that was not the case. Love never fails….over and over again I have to keep repeating that statement to myself. Love never fails….