This weekend was particularly hard. I vowed I would not go back to visit my husband until he asked me. It was so hard not to see him. Every fiber in my being wants to see him and hug him and just be with him but I know right now that is not where our relationship is at. He would not welcome me. I have been an emotional wreck all weekend. I want to feel normal again and I am not sure when that will happen or if it will ever happen. At the moment it feels like part of me is missing. I want to talk to my husband and share good things and lean on him when I feel like I just can’t go on. I need to understand his pain and be able to take it away. I wonder if he feels like part of him is missing…he keeps saying he will write me but he hasn’t and I don’t suspect he will. I may have to accept the fact that our marriage is over and there will be no explanation. I would have never expected this from him…at the same time I would have never expected this is the way things would have turned out for us at all. It has only been 6 months. We have barely been married. I think about all the things we have never shared and my heart hurts. We’ve never watched a movie together…sat down and had a meal together….fell asleep in each other’s arms….everyday normal things most people take for granted. How can our marriage be over…it has not even started? I am so confused and so hurt. Maybe time and space will help us both heal….
Patience….wow! I don’t really have any at all…I don’t like waiting for anything or anyone. I want results and I want them now. My marriage has been a test in patience for sure. I have to wait to talk to my husband. I have to wait to see my husband. I have to wait for my husband to come home…truly come home. Everything is a waiting game. Wait for letters, call, visits…..well now I am waiting for a decision. I don’t want to be the one who gave up….I don’t want to be the one who threw in the towel…when things got rough that I bailed…I didn’t stick it out. But I don’t want that to be the reason I stayed either. I love my husband…there is no doubt in my heart or mind that I love my husband. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man and I know I am lucky to have him in my life but at the same time…I want him to feel the same way about me. I want him to feel lucky that he has someone who wants to be by his side no matter what the struggle is…no matter how hard things get. I just don’t get this feeling from him. He has checked out of our marriage and my heart hurts. I know we need time apart…time to process our feelings about each other…but it is so hard when all I want to do is put my arms around him and smell that spot on his neck that makes me weak in my knees. So this is my test….be patient…give him space….and see what happens.
You never go into marriage with the thought of failure. Marriage is a hard road for even the most loving couples in the best of circumstances so imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who is in prison. This has been the hardest experience of my life and at the moment I feel like a complete failure. I bought into the idea of hey he is in prison and should be grateful someone wants to marry him. That is an extremely funky attitude to have towards your husband regardless of his situation. This attitude has cost us precious amounts of time and futility. We have argued and fought and talked and discussed how my attitude and what I think and say and do affects him and ultimately affects us. I’ve tried to be a good wife…to make sure he is taken care of and happy but at the end of the day I have failed him miserably. He is unhappy and does not feel like he wants to be married to me anymore. I’m heartbroken to say the least. I never imagined 6 months in and we would be calling it quits. Everyone says maybe this is a blessing in disguise but my heart does not want to hear that at the moment. I want my husband back. My sweet kind loving husband.